is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
