I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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