Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
