My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
