i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
