You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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