This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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