The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
