You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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