My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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