im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
