I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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