I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
