just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
