Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
