Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
