I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
