Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
