hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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