So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
