If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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