i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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