i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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