i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
