What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
NoShamevember. You game?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
