this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
