Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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