you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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