tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
