My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
