Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
