I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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