i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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