My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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