matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
