i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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