Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
