i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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