The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
