the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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