mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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