the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
