oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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