Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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