just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Everclear isn't food dammit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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