i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
