apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
