I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
