I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
