I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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