i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
